(In)Experience

Delivered this long ago. Have been lazy putting it up here.

Here's a draft of what I spoke for my Project 9 of Competent Communicator Manual.
Hope you enjoy the next 7 minutes. :)

" Inexperience is inability. Are you sure?

How many of you sitting here have been shut down by someone who supposedly knows more than you?

It has happened to me too. In this era of constant change, I have been denied by the people who are more senior, more experienced, more knowledgeable than me. Where I’ve felt like a naïve kid among distinguished adults.

Fellow Toastmasters and Dear Guests

I had always learnt, knowledge and experience are the two ingredients. And hence been wary of stepping into situations where I did not have any experience.

I work as a Learning & Development professional. Recently, I had to deliver a new program. Now this program was related to something I had never done before.

A newbie, a facilitator, a 20 something year old working professional, here I was, standing in front of thirty leaders. From across job levels, across geographies and across cultures. They looking at me impatiently and expectantly.

I didn’t know what I was in for when I had accepted this client session request. The unit had asked me to deliver creative workshop that I usually delivered as part of my profile. The project folks flew me to Hyderabad and showered me with luxury: a chauffeur driven car waiting for me at the airport with a placard with my name on it, a room in a posh hotel, expenses and else. I felt obliged to them for delivering something worthy.

They rented a conference room in a five-star hotel for me to deliver my workshop. As I was led in to meet the entire team, the manager turned to me and said, “Oh, by the way, instead of the workshop, we’d like you to use the concepts and help us create a business plan for our next financial quarter.” It was a bombshell. My preparation was wasted. I had no idea about this.

I stood in front of the eager team. The room oozed of wealth and opulence; embroidered tablecloths, ornate chairs and hi-tech screens everywhere. I felt ill at ease. I was used to open spaces and bare floors, a place where you could make mistakes with freedom.

I questioned myself, is my inexperience here, an inability? I severely doubted myself.

Mustering up the courage, I started. Gave a short talk about myself; in reality I was stalling for time, trying to work out what to do. I knew I couldn’t produce anything creative in the room, yet they’d spent a fortune on it.

To the dismay of the hotel staff, I made them move all the tables and chairs out. I didn’t want everyone sitting down feeling relaxed. With the room empty, I felt better. It was like a blank canvas to an artist or a blank sheet of paper to a writer. They all looked irritated, though.

The production unit team were struggling to create this business plan for their financial quarter because their ideas were predictable and dull. They wanted me to resurrect the ideas, make them alive again, make THEM come up with creative, innovate ideas.

I rather thought and told them, it would be easier to scarp their ideas and start afresh. Better to think new ideas than waste time in trying to salvage old ones. They were annoyed at this.

The team of coders, developers, testers, consultants, business analysts, managers, delivery managers, clients, and more had attitudes that stifled creative thinking: “I have been doing this for years. I’m an expert. I know exactly what I’m doing.”

How many of you have been faced with remarks like that? Remarks that have curbed your new ideas. Your crazy ideas?

Just because you and I were unexperienced? And this inexperience considered as an inability?

They wanted to do things the way they had always done them.

But friends, you cannot come up with unusual things if you keep doing them the usual way. Open your mind to new ideas.

I swapped their roles. I asked the testers and developers to write up the allocations for new joiners, the consultants to think of the technical aspects. They were furious. Because they were out of their comfort zone.

I had to convince them to give it a try. Eventually they opened up and had a go. Fear of failure vanished because weight of expectation had been lifted. They no longer had a reputation to protect because they were not doing what they’d been trained to do. They improvised. They played around. New, original ideas poured out. They had fun. They were liberated. We created some new ideas with exciting numbers, unusual settings and innovative plans.

Friends, as a naïve beginner that day I had an advantage of having a fresh perspective. And I tried infusing it in them too by changing their roles. As a new role, they had no idea what was ‘wrong’ because they anyway didn’t know what was ‘right’.

As the leadership expert Liz Wiseman says, as an expert we think we’ve got it all figured out. It’s almost like flying through the day on an autopilot mode. Which is absolutely fine when the world is stable but when the world is changing fast, we need to move through the world of work like backpackers venturing out exploring new terrain; exploring new answers to problems.

I do not mean to discredit experience. Experience matters. But also inexperience doesn’t necessarily mean your inability.

Rather than being an expert, getting into a repetitive ritual of repeating the same experience over and over again, look at it from the eyes of a 4 year old. A 4 year old for whom everything is possible.

Challenge is not to get the innovative thoughts in mind but to get the old ones out. For that, spend a day working on something that’s valuable, but not what you’re ‘supposed’ to be working on. Switching to the new tasks would definitely create an environment that encourages innovation.

Inexperience is inability. Are you sure?"

Who Are You?

I'm taking faster steps. I delivered my next project at Toastmasters as well.
The objective of this one was using visual aids.

I had a beautiful PPT accompany me on stage. But sharing the first draft of what I spoke:

MOC introduces me:

TM Aman Who Are You? Who Are You? TM Aman

"Wish I could answer that in 7 mins.
*laughter*

But instead, today, I’m going to tell you, who you are.

And instead of pointing at you, which would be intrusive, I’m rather going to tell you a few facts and stories, in which you may catch a glimpse of yourself.

Fellow Toastmasters and Guests

Have you ever felt that you’re not in the right job? That’s just not who you are?
Or maybe you don’t prefer going to parties and when you go, you don’t feel your most natural self?
While people around you are totally happy to be there.

It’s simply because we all have different preferences. And they boil down to our personality.

Let’s try a quick activity. I want you to cross your arms.

Now you probably didn't even think, "Which arm do I put on top?" You have a natural preference for how you cross your arms.

So, try crossing them in the other way.

You can do it, easily. It doesn't feel quite as natural.

That is it with our preferences. This.. (enact) may feel natural, whereas here, you did have to put some effort. Similar it is with our personality. Some activities, some decisions come to us very naturally whereas to others it may feel alien to them.

I recently got certified in one of the personality assessment tool that not only helps me understand myself but also others around me, better. That tells me how different people see the world differently.

Chances are you’ve taken Myers-Briggs Type Indicator, or will. Roughly 2 million people a year do.

The fundamentals of MBTI include identifying the four main personality preferences pair which describe who you are. How do you act and think.

The first what we call ‘preference pair’, is about where we do we draw our energy from. This pair is E and I. Where Extraverts or the Es tend to focus on their outer world, Is focus more on their inner world. Now, these are not social skills. This is about energy. While Es want their energy to go out and, when it goes out, it comes bouncing back to them. And Is want their energy to go in. By looking at ideas, impressions, facts inside their head, they create more energy. We believe that you have both within you. It's just that you prefer one over the other.

How Es and Is appear in meetings is kind of interesting. Extraverts in a meetings are more likely to be talking their ideas out. I have a preference for extraversion and I feel if I bring it out, it becomes real, and I may start over here and end up over here, because I've made it real as I'm talking it out. Now, an I listening to that E may be thinking, "If they just shut up, we would get somewhere." Whereas an E looking at an I is probably going, "Are they awake? Are they listening to me?"

Silences for Es are space to be filled. Silences for Is are space to be cherished.

For example, both an introvert and an extravert may like going jogging after work. And while the extravert notices people, things around in the park and draws energy from these outward sources, the introvert's energy is turned inwards. He uses the time outside to mull over ideas and what has happened that day.

Moving to the next one, which is how we gather data and the kind of information we like and trust. The preference pairs here are sensing and intuition. S and N. People who prefer sensing want things to be practical, actual, real, facts and data. They just really want to get down to the here and now, the present of what's going on. By contrast, intuitive types like possibilities, meanings, the big picture, the future.

Let’s have a small experiment.

Unlock your phone and look at it for 3 seconds.

Alright, what’s the time on your phone?

Okay, that’s a good start.

Can also tell me the battery percentage on your phone?

Even though all of us got the same time to look at our phones, for some it was natural to look for these details.

While the Sensing types would look at the details and the intuitive types would be interpreting some bigger picture behind all these details, forming patterns. So next time, someone points things out the things you didn’t even say, check if they are forming a bigger picture and interpreting your facts differently.

Alright, once we have information in, we make our decisions. The third preference pair: thinking and feeling. Thinking types when they take a decision, they look at the information that they have, in an objective way. They look at the pros and cons, and make their decision. But feeling types step into the decision. They become aware of, "How is this going to impact people? How does this fit with my value system?," and they're looking for harmony with their value system. It does not mean that Feeling types are emotional people or use their emotions to make decisions. Rather they use a structured way of using their values for it.

Hence, the definition of being fair, if different to both the types.

Giving you an example, let’s say you have 10 DIFFERENT chocolates to be distributed among a group of 10 children. How would you distribute it?

A person with Thinking preference would distribute they equally for they need to treat everyone according to same standards, and equally. However, a person with Feeling preference would give each kid the chocolate each of them likes. Because for them, being fair means treating everyone to what they need. Individuals are different and they need different things.

Now, both thinking types and feeling types came to the exact same conclusions. They just did it in different ways.

Our last one has to do with how we like to go about living our lives. And our words are "judging" and "perceiving" in this preference pair, and "judging" here doesn't mean "judgmental." But what J types like to do is organize things, make decisions, get on with it, and perceiving types like to kind of go with the flow and be spontaneous and continue gathering information. So, I'm a perceiving type, my life is all about options. It’s about going with the flow. And routines and strict organization of things make me feel suffocated. True confessions. Okay.

Now, I happen to have a friend, who prefers Judging. He thinks I'm nuts. He loves to make lists, and checking things off that list. So, you can imagine what happens when we go out for a meal: He’s making his decisions -you know, judging is about, "Let's make a decision and get on with it" -And I’m looking over the menu, looking at what other people have, trying to decide what I’m going to have, that's perhaps new and different, and he’s getting hungry.

But, for perceiving types, it's no decision before its time. So, judging types will often use words that end in "ed": "I've finished that," "I've completed that," I've decided that," and perceiving types will often talk in "ing" words: "I'm finishing that," "I'm completing that," "I'm deciding that."

So, this is about how you live your life.

All of these come together in a magical way. So, we've got four preference pairs. We've got

how you gain energy - extroversion, introversion -

how you gather information - sensing, intuition -,

how you make decisions - thinking or feeling -,

and how you live your life - judging or perceiving.

They come together to form 16 unique combinations.

So does that tell you who am I or who you are already? Is that all we are? Are we a bunch of these alphabets? No, we’re not.

You’re like some other people and like no other person. And that is what makes us who we are.

Do all humans get divided and boxed into one of these 16 combinations? No, there’s more intricacy to it. But it sure is a small window to your soul. And understanding the personality type sure does help you understand yourself better and the others who have surprisingly different preferences.

Remember, these are just the preferences. You and I can act other ways when I need to. Maybe not want to.

So, I'm going to ask that you help me demonstrate preferences for one last time.

And that is I want you to clap your hands and just freeze them. So, clap and freeze. Okay.

Now, you probably didn't even notice that you have a way of clapping, you have a preference for that.

So, I want you to practice, as loud as you can, the other way.

It's a cheap way to get applause. Thank you."

Secret Lives

Hey,

I'm back. And I'm happy for I'm back home.
I'm excited to share the stories that I have gathered all along in the past year.

Beginning with the latest one. I recently gave a speech at my Toastmasters club. I have reached the level 7, Project 7 as they call it here.

Here's a draft of what I spoke:

"It was the fateful day of 9/11. Two planes flew right into the twin towers. As the whole world saw the towers crashing down, there stood a man.

Howard Lutnick. The chief executive of one of the world’s largest financial-services firm, stood, watching 658 of his co-workers, friends, including his own brother being burnt to ashes. As much as he was grieved and pained by the sudden, catastrophic loss, one of the things on Lutnick’s mind was passwords. This may seem callous but it was not.

Fellow Toastmasters and dear guests.

The biggest threat to the survival at that point, became apparent almost immediately- no one knew the passwords for hundreds of accounts and files that needed to get back online in time for reopening of the bond markets. The attacks also knocked out one of the company’s main backup servers.

To crack the passwords, the Microsoft technicians performed “brute force” attacks, using fast computers starting from the alphabet “a” then work through every possible letter and number combination before ending at “ZZZZZZZ”. But even the fastest computers working through trillions of combinations, could take days. Even a day’s wait was unaffordable. Wall Street was not going to wait.

If you were a part of that team, what would you have done?

Microsoft technicians took advantage of two facts:

1.       Many people use the same password for multiple accounts.

2.       These passwords are typically personalized.

The technicians explained that for their algorithms to work best, they needed large amounts of trivia about the owner of each missing password. The kinds of things that were too specific, too personal, and too idiosyncratic for companies to keep on file. Even though it’s these details that make people distinct, that make them individuals but back then it was the reason for chaos. The officials of the organizations soon found themselves on the phone, desperately trying to calm their own agony while calling the spouses, parents and siblings of former colleagues to console them, ….. and work their way through a checklist that had questions like- “What is your wedding anniversary?”, “Tell me again, where he went for undergrad?”, “You guys have a dog, don’t you? What’s his name?

Remember, this was less than 24 hours after the towers had fallen. The fire department was still referring to it as a search-and-rescue mission. Families had not accepted their losses. Forget about answering the questions and breaking the passwords.

The tendency of employees being lazy and choosing a simple, “weak” password, that day ultimately proved to be the organization’s only saving grace, helping them crack it easily.

As I completed reading the case study, I was myself drawn into the stories of my own passwords. Not forgetting the strain it takes on my mind remembering all of them but also the extreme irritation whenever this expiry notification pops up, “Your account password will expire in the next 5 days”. Like most of you, I always change my password on the 5^th day. Never before that.

But there is more to the passwords than their annoyance. Many of our passwords are suffused with pathos, emotions, mischief, and sometimes even poetry. They derive from anything- horoscopes, an inside joke with ourselves, a lost love, a defining emotional scar. And we try our best to hold onto these, not letting a story, love, idea, person go away by keeping them close in form of our passwords. Like a tattoo on a private part of the body, intimate, compact and expressive. Often though, the story behind these passwords has an emotional edge to them.

Fiona Moriarty, a competitive runner had “16:59” as her password— her target time for the 5kms on the track.

Data suggests that setting your password to something is also a unique way to remind yourself of the goal you have to achieve. Have you ever done that?

While I was doing this research, a person I got into a conversation with around passwords, George mentioned how setting his password to “Meditate@Today” set a reminder for him to continue the momentum and eventually build a routine around it. Because his computer demanded that he changes his password every 30 days, he moved to other goals, “LearnCalligraphy”, SUCCESSFUL, “GoForASoloTrip”, SUCCESSFUL, “CompleteTheCC”, SUCCESSFUL, “LooseWeight”, IT NEVER WORKED, HE’S STILL FAT. :D

Some people even set passwords that are reminder of what they have achieved.

Stuck in a middle of traffic jam in Bombay, I sat next to a chatty man, Mr. Sinha, who judging by his expensive watch and suit, seemed to have done well for himself. We made a small talk about our jobs, and eventually I told him about my interest in passwords. After a long, silent look out the window, he turned to me and said that he typically uses “83.59” in his passwords. This was his CAT score and he liked reminding himself of it because he took a certain satisfaction in how far he had come in life in spite of his mediocre showing on the standardized test.

Passwords may not completely bare our souls, but these passwords do represent pages, or perhaps pieces of pages, torn from our mental diaries.

The fact that we construct them so that we and only we will remember them makes it a unique take on the secret lives.

Try asking someone their password and the rich back story that it holds in it. Because it’s not every day that you stumble upon a conversation topic that teaches you new things about people you’ve known for years.

Or maybe look back at your own passwords and the stories they have been holding in them.

Who knows, your password may contain a story in itself that you may narrate to your grandchildren."

Solitary love

I unwrapped the box.
There was a note with the silently ticking watch.

He: "If you say yes, forever begins now."

She: "Amidst forever-s, can we talk of now-s?"

He: "Why can't you let the 90s R&B feel of love take over us?"

She: "That fairy tale romance is left good for movies. And I don't have patience to watch movies!"

He: "How is it that you never watch movies? What exactly do you do when you are in your safe place?"

She: "I feel safe."

He: "You feel safe and.."

She: "I feel happy then."

He: "You feel happy and..?"
He asked once again.

She: "Happiness is the state of mind which doesn't let you do anything. Bliss as the world calls it."
She kicked it off again.

He: "There is always a yin attached to the yang. Till you fail to see them you will not be real."
He is a philosopher.

She: "Reality is bound by your imagination. Which is an illusion."
She loved words.

He: "People may imagine because they don't want to acknowledge the problem that can easily be fixed."
He is a realist.

She: "Imagination transports you into beautiful spaces which might or might not exist."
She is fictional.

He: "Truth is beautiful."
He is real.

She: "Beauty is subjective."
She loves debates.

He: "Beauty is objective."
He doesn't give up.

She: "Difference of opinion is the beauty of different perspectives."
She loves tough people.

He: "Agreeing to disagree is the biggest problem the world is facing."
He sees the bigger picture.

She: "Agreeing to disagree mellows you down and lets you be comfortable in being uncomfortable."
She prefers intricacies.

He: "Discomfort is a problem waiting to be solved."
He is a problem solver.

She: "Problems are not meant to be solved before analyzing."
She loves conversations.

He: "Don't analyze when you can embrace it."
He won't give up.

She: "Embrace what you know can be yours."
She drew the line again.

He: "Knowing and feeling are two different things, and feeling is what counts."
He is hopeful.

She: "I don't feel anything."
She isn't hopeful.

He: "..Yet!"
He is sure.

She: "No, this isn't happening."
She thinks she's sure too.

He: "You are one adamant woman. I'm in awe of you."
He is insistent.

She: "Whatever you're seeking won't come in the form you're expecting."
She is half-hearted.

He: "Murakami!"
He quipped. She smiled. Her favorite author marked the end of a solitary love for things.
 

The World That Was Mine.

I sat in my room, admiring the fairy lights out of my window sipping onto some tea. Tea and pre-winters. My room's window that showed me how beautifully well-lit are the houses outside. My window, that fills my room with the sweet November winter air. The air that carries festivity in it, wherever it subtly flows. This is the best possible weather, cool, moist, breezy.

This makes me so, so, so incredibly homesick.

I've lived away from home for sometime and yet, winters have the power to make me want to leave everything behind for even a single day back to where I grew up.

November set in a week back, bringing with it the familiar, brutal colours of nostalgia. How these approaching winters make my heart ache, my soul yearn for the home that was. All I embrace now are memories of memories, repainted repeatedly till everything is tinged with a vintage shade.

There is something in the air that's making me melancholy. I miss home, being younger, being less responsible, that illusionary safety. I miss the late afternoons, early winter evenings back at home. I miss the wintry smell of grass and earth; this time of the year smells like nothing else. I'd jump around in my verandah, my terrace, waiting for the sun to set, for weather to get chiller yet happier. For the street lights to fight and manage to twinkle through the thick blanket of fog. I would wait for the folks to wake up from their siesta, for the little family tea-time that I looked forward to almost the whole day. Warming our hands around the hot tea-mugs we'd discuss about our days. Kids running around the house, making it livelier kicking away even the bout of gloominess that winter might bring in.

Nights would be cold and snuggly, falling asleep under the heaps of blankets, in the perfectly decked bed that Mom would set. Tucked in, next to the bed side bookshelf, I was safe, smaller and more innocent. That was my world. With fog painting the entire little town hazy, I, in my warm bed, listened to the quiet little part of the world that was ours, yet drawn to the outside sounds, imagining how being far away from here would seem like. To be in the world that wasn't ours.

I'm not sure what I miss more - the memories of my time in the past, the house or being younger.

Another puff of air.

Another sound of crackers.

Another kick of nostalgia.

I think about how life changes, how this November is different from the last one. The same city feels more like home this time around.

But nothing like the world that was mine.

*Excerpts of this post have been inspired from a friend I follow on Instagram. :)

The Pink Glow

Back home, my folks always used to look forward to a video recording of the speeches that I give at Toastmasters. And further, that 6 minutes clip used to fetch me their feedback. But what I always wonder is, does that video clip capture the energy, the audience, the presence, the environment of the room? Does that clip ooze the happiness I get when my audience hums, smiles and sways just at the places I expected them to? I am not sure.

This speech, I took the third step towards being a 'Competent Communicator' as per Toastmasters International, along with, my family witnessing me speaking. It must've been a tiny part of the entire trip to have them visit the office campus, be with me as I took my 3rd speech; but there was something more special that added beauty to all of that. At Toastmasters, praises usually are showered like flowers at you. But I couldn't help contain my happiness when I had a couple of people coming up to me and telling me about the best moment of the evening. The moment when they caught my Mom smiling, beaming with pride, applauding along with the audience as I finished my speech. Her eyes spoke volumes. Aren't there some moments in life, when you feel just right? Aren't these the moments we live for? The tiny, bubbly moments that give you the pink glow when ever you fondly look back at them.

Anyway, here's a copy of what I spoke!

"When I was a little girl, I was always fascinated by the small, fancy pictures of the journalists published in the newspapers. Print media was like a distant dreamy bubble for me. It was when I was in class 7^th, I got to taste this happiness. I took the newspaper copy in my hand with my first ever article published and I jumped with joy. It was just a small piece of writing in one of the newspapers. But back then, it mattered to me so so much. The kick I got, seeing a tiny picture of mine along with my name in print, inspired me to write more. Send more. And get published more often.

Fellow Toastmasters and dear guests.

Good Evening.

Have you ever taken up a hobby or an interest for the sheer benefit of satisfying your curiosity? Just for the kick it gives you? It’s like when we venture into a new hobby or anything new, it’s a human nature to doubt every action, every step of ours. Doubting its relevance to our future. But some small steps. One step at a time.

Jumping to year 2012. When I had just graduated from college and was jobless for a while before joining Infosys; rather than throwing the customary curses at life, Infosys, my career, my college and else, I had to figure out what to do with the newly found free time. Following the formal procedure of applying to one of the newspaper publication, I stood in front of an intense interviewer in a studio room. The room oozed of fame and power; wealth and opulence; journalism and print media. I felt ill at ease. I was used to college corridors, classrooms with graffiti on walls and a place of free spirits, where you could escape questions. But on the contrary, I couldn’t just skip answering here. To add to my dis-comfort, the interviewer asked, “Have you ever written anything?” Now, this was the first ever interview in such a domain. To add to this, I had no formal degree to save me. Weighing my chances, I mentioned a few things. My blog that I had been maintaining for quite some time and of course those articles from my childhood that had got published and were now pasted in a kiddish manner in one of my scrap books.

He kept flipping pages, my heartbeat kept on gaining momentum. While he kept on reading the articles, I tried hard to hold onto the pillar of hope. Holding onto it, doubting myself. Doubting myself, losing almost all the hope I had walked in with.

Suddenly, there was turn of events, he smiled. He nodded.. And he uttered, “You’ve already done a good job.” He seemed impressed. I sighed!!!!!!

Unexpectedly, those kiddish articles had become my dark knight that day. My savior. One of the reasons behind my bagging this job. The job as a journalist. The job that gave me so many chances to get the fancy pictures that journalists have with their articles published in the newspaper. The bliss was back again. The happiness and joy of seeing my name in print.

Now, how did all of this happen? Of course, connecting the dots backward, I could place how the path was like. Our lives are like walls. You cannot randomly wake up one day and say, I’m going to build the most beautiful wall that has ever been build. It can only happen with one brick being put most perfectly at a time. Brick by brick. One step at a time. Sooner than you can imagine, you will have your brightest and the most beautiful wall with you.

Did you know, Steve Jobs had taken up a calligraphy class out of sheer interest; spending his time learning about varying amount of spaces in various types of fonts. Now, none of this had even a hope of any practical application in his life, back then, while he was in college. But ten years later, when the first Mac was designed, it was the first computer with beautiful typography. If he had never dropped in on this calligraphy class, then personal computers might not have the wonderful typography that they do today.

Of course, it was that “one” brick that fell into place while looking at the wall of his life. It’s always one step at a time that you take. You maybe unsure but down the line things fall into place almost like you might have never imagined.

You will want to stop. Don’t.

It took Messi 17 years and 114 days to become overnight success.

One step at a time to becoming an overnight success.

So while I was writing my speech, I had asked the same question to a couple of my friends about something they would want to accomplish. I got series of answers ranging from ‘Learn how to play a guitar’ to ‘I’m an engineer but I want to learn psychology’. These answers varied from person to person.

Maybe writing that code or say, joining toastmasters isn’t making sense to you right now but you have to trust in something- your gut, your interests, your destiny. Anything. Anything. But just take one step at a time. "

Bittersweet Goodbyes.

I had been anticipating this for a long time. I had pictured how rosy it'll all be like. More than being rosy, I'd say liberating. But the moment he said, "Tuesday would be the last!", my heart skipped a beat.


With countable number of days left in my current project, it's time for the bittersweet goodbyes. My desk, my cubicle, my drawer, my white board, some of the many things that have a part of me in them. I sit back, look at them in the awe thinking of all those ugly Mondays when I hated coming to them and all those happy Fridays when I merrily bid them goodbye until the following week.


I look at the beautiful landscape to my right separated from me by a vast glass of the building, I look at the coffee mugs at my desk, I look at the conference room door that I always have faced sitting on my chair, I look around. The few things that I so badly wanted to get rid of, now when the time creeps closer, these lifeless things seem to be full of emotions. Personified humans speaking volumes to me. Telling me tales of past. In hindsight, don't we ignore the blue days and reminisce about the brighter ones? Oh, sweet life!


For now, let's skip mentioning the people who are/were/have been the part of this scene. Because I guess, people are ephemeral, they kept moving on as I stayed here for almost 2 years now.


What made me stick to it? What makes me move on? What makes me feel this tinge of sadness when this is what I wanted, all the while?


I'm losing a job. For I've found a career. :)

Unplug, Unwind and Energize.

Yesterday evening was special. It was a Wednesday, I went to the weekly Toastmaster's meeting and gave my Project 2 of Competent Communicator manual. Though I messed up a bit and wasn't satisfied by myself but as a friend said, 'You're too hard on yourself!' So, I'm going to cut myself some slack and bask in the glory of giving a considerably good speech, getting the 'Best Speaker Award' for the evening and receiving all the love being bestowed on me for a while. Here's the draft of what I spoke:

"I’m on my way back from office. It’s 11PM in the evening. No, I don’t work in afternoon shift. My day very well began at 8:30 in the morning. In spite of all these efforts, my manager still feels that I’m not putting in sufficient amount of effort. To top it all, it’s a Saturday, I’m stuck in Hinjewadi traffic and I’m terribly hungry. My Mom calls. I’m reminded of home. And of course, the home cooked food. She said: I’m going for a meditation vacation to Rishikesh. And I want you to come along.

Amongst all that hustle bustle, meditation would be the last thing I’d excitedly say a yes to. But out of what she said, only one word made sense. Vacation…..and I so needed one!

A very good evening fellow Toastmasters and dear guests.

So, in the month of July, I went for this vacation to Rishikesh. I don’t know what my friends expect of me but they had blatantly assumed that it would be for some wild river rafting or a camping trip. What happened just after I mentioned that I was going for a meditation retreat to Rishikesh, gave me….my P2 speech. :P

Some of the reactions that I faced were:

“Whaaaaattt?? Have you really gone down the way of meditation?”

“You? You of all the people would keep your mouth shut and meditate?”

There was another friend who even told me, “You know what, meditation is only for hippies and freaks. It’s sheer nonsense.”

But post the vacation, I’m glad, I could go there. Not because I got to click posy pictures with Ganga, the holy Ganga flowing in the background and boast about it on Facebook. I mean, yeah, that’s one part of it. What else are vacations for?

But apart from all of that, I did what I went there to do. To unplug, unwind and energize. Of course, there wasn’t any magic potion that helped me do all of it in 5 days. But an entire structured process to help me come out of Monday morning hangover, with all due respect, to help me tackle my manager, in a much calmer way though. All in all, it helped me wash away my office diaries. 

No surprises. Our work lives are stressful. Eight in 10 of us are stressed at work. A moment of silence for those unsung heroes of our generation who do not wait for Friday-s. It’s so so easy to be consumed by the details of our lives, to be impressed with the technology of our own society, to get lost in the business and busyness of our ways.. But it’s like, when we move so fast, we miss so much.

And apart from all those trivial things, I had another specific reason. I had recently lost a loved one. And the pain was extremely excruciating. The moments of remembering and missing them felt as if I was diving through a black hole of no return. And I was time and again reminded of it when I was at the retreat, cut off from social media and just being with myself. But the first step of stepping out of that darkness began with reclaiming those few moments of silent inner connection every day. It was all about reminding myself to let go of the things I cannot control. Those few minutes to find peace within. 

I’d always thought I was too hyper to meditate. Of course, calm is not a state that we usually experience every day. But what I learnt was, mind is like a muscle. It responds to consistent practice. During those five days, I used to..err I was made to sit in a guided meditation practice for between 10 to 15 minutes, two times a day. As directed, the goal wasn’t to control my thoughts. It was in fact to stop letting them control me.

And, it wasn’t like I went there and in the first round of meditation felt, “Eureka! I’ve figured life out?!” But slowly and gradually, what I felt was, meditation is about emptying yourself. Paradoxically, meditation is not about gaining. It’s about losing. Losing much of all you’ve been holding onto. And at any rate, it’s liberating.

If you think, just like I did, that you can’t do it because your mind is too busy or you don’t have time for this, welcome to the human condition. No one really cares if you have 17 children and five jobs. Everyone’s mind is out of control. It if weren’t, no one would ever need meditation. And I’m sure you have five minutes to confront that voice in your head.. 

Just sit. Focus on your breath, and when your brain loses focus, you start over, and over and over. And I believe, if as little as five to 10 minutes of your day can change your life, start today! 

Of course, this all was rosy enough when I was learning this art in a posh hotel with Ganga flowing by the side and it was a vacation. I don’t expect you to go home, lock up yourself in a room and start to meditate but yes, if you relate to even a bit of what I said, I’m sure you can try and sit and just be with yourself for 5 minutes of your day.

Join me! Unplug, unwind and energize."

Junie.

"Your twenties are your 'selfish' years. It is a decade to immerse your self in every single thing possible. Be selfish with your time, and all the aspects of you. Tinker with shit, travel, explore, love a lot, love a little, and never touch the ground." - Kyoko Escamilia.

With the most special month making its presence felt, I'm all glee. My sister started uploading daily posts on Instagram, dedicated to each day of this month. Every post featured the most important people of my life and my special bonding with them. It is sweet how you get showered with an extra serving of love simply because it's June. The other day I got back from office at around 11 in the night and my friend consoled me saying, 'I feel like killing your manager. How can he make you stay in the office. It's June. Duh!' A fair enough reason to give me a big big smile. Who wouldn't feel great with all that paparazzi? I'm lucky.

Though this is an every year affair, what makes it all the more special this time is, I turn 25. Woah woah! What a huge number. There is something quirky about this age. I realize as I creep closer to the day. If I look back, none of the current thoughts were on my mind last birthday. As I approach the dreaded mid twenties, so many forces around me have made me feel that it's the high time I've remained happily unmarried. Just when I give in to that thought, the free spirited Gemini in me would revolt. Revolt like a warrior. And I end up being the poor soul swinging between the two.

Talking of this swinging poor soul who's also aging and getting old, let me not mention those moments when heavyhearted pricking of the new grey strands of hair happens. Old age, alas!

Okay, enough sadness! I'd say there's a brighter side too. From being sure about the shape of pasta to the right amount of sugar in my cappuccino. From being even more specific about the fragrances I won't ever wear to the kind of bullshit I won't let myself to get affected by. I could go on with a list of such from-to combinations but isn't it enough knowledge to have gained in the span of 25 years?! Sanity, I remind myself. So, I'd say with age, I've become surer of my choices, my people, my
decisions. I'm now a firm believer that this is what life is all about -- figuring it out. Adapting. Changing. Discovering. Dreaming. Trying. Failing. Trying again.

So this year, besides dealing with my quarter life crises that includes the serious stuff like finances, relationships and career, I'd make sure to focus and spend my energies in discovering the places in the world where I'll be honoured and loved for who I am. I'll find them. Create them.

Love and light!

Under a starry moonlit sky..

Toastmasters, probably one of those things that keeps me sane at work. I took my first baby step by taking P1 out of my Competent Communication manual. It was about me, what my life has been till now. Here's what got a me a standing ovation:

"Thank you Toastmaster.

Good evening fellow toastmasters and dear guests. I am Aman, something I am not too fond of being addressed as. Because I come from a place where if you call out that name, there would be 5 heads turning around, both, boys and girls. 

I’m from a city called Patiala in Punjab. And those who’ve had Patiala pegs or worn Patiala salwars, would be able to place it. Punjab for me has always been synonymous with rich, good food and yes, I’m a foodie of the highest order. Guess, that comes from the family. My Massi (My mom’s sister) was pursuing her masters in food and nutrition while I was growing up. And most of the times, I became the guinea pig for most of her food experiments. 

Talking of my family, I’m former of the two girls born to the lady who has influenced me the most in my life. My mother. She had me when she was 21 years old, and my parents got separated when I was 7 and my sister was 4. So, I never really knew my dad like you’re supposed to know your father.

Like a lot of single moms, my mother had to struggle to work and eventually battle to work. I believe she’s really the person who instilled in me the sense of confidence and a belief that I could do anything. It took her almost ten years to get life back on track for us and of course, herself. And we watched her grind through it. And as I got older, like everyone else, I learnt from her that she wasn’t all different than me. Like me, she had her own doubts. Like me, she wasn’t always sure of the right way of doing things. And, to see her overcome tough times was very inspiring. Because that meant, I could overcome tough times too.

I still remember the time when Infosys had delayed out joining. I had just graduated and had no idea what to do with my life. I went crazy. Totally bonkers. Till the time there came an assuring voice from my Mom, ‘Go, and gather experiences!’ When I looked up to her- I knew what to do. Having completed her masters in Psychology and English, my Mom now heads the Maths Department at a school. She imbibed in me a very simple leaning that is adding dimensions to your career should be the way of life. Before I knew, I saw the best phase of my career for those 8 months. Being a citizen journalist at Times of India fulfilled my die hard dream of being a journo. And being a verbal mentor at Career Launcher made my love for language grow fonder. I was juggling between two jobs and was probably the happiest. The happiest to discover and dig into my passion. The passion to write. The passion for print media. I’ve realized, no matter how much I grow up, I still jump with joy every time I see my name in print. Probably that I why I love Toastmaster’s. It fulfills every bit of my passion.

I believe, our choices, the things we do, the things we like are all interlinked. I started writing for the sheer feeling that I used to get from reading. Thanks to the childhood habit of going to the bed, reading. With Enid Blyton giving me Noddy and toy town to make my childhood all the more colourful. JK Rowling cast some spell and Hermoine awed me all through my teenage. Later came along, Dan Brown and Khaled Hoseeini. All the while, keeping a track of me and my stories was a blog that I nurtured. I nurtured it like a baby. Still do!

Little things like these shape who you are. They really shaped me, honed my passion and drove me. And of course, gave me this wonderful opportunity to be speaking in front of you.

That’s pretty much my life story. I hope to create more of such wonderful memories and stories along my way. Because in the end, it all comes down to having a lovely life story that we tell our children under the moonlit starry sky."

Grateful.

World's favourite story-teller @Crossword

 Me: "You know what? Jeffrey Archer is in the town today!"

N: "Wow. I'm jealous. Going then?"

Me: "No, got loaded with work. Stuck in the traffic now."

N: "You're good for nothing."

This conversation at the end of a Monday like Tuesday makes me want to scream at myself and everyone around. Just how I want to when the wi-fi stops working in the middle of a long awaited Skype session. Just how I wanted to when my Team Lead demanded (at 5:30pm) for a shitty excel to be updated by EOD. I could go on with so many just-hows which most of us would resonate with. Hello, corporate biggies! 

I might not be a veteran but I have been a part of corporate culture for quite some time now. Long enough to be a wearer to know where exactly the shoe pinches. Mondays, team meetings, manager, status calls, client escalation. Some of the keywords that touch a raw nerve by their mere existence. In spite of all that, what is it that keeps a corporate tag hanging around the neck? Is it merely a 'Salary Credited' text that we await for the entire month or some appreciation e-mail from our manager? Or maybe a promotion? The answer is subjective. 

No matter how much we crib over our evening coffee breaks, we still would come to work next morning. Because there is something utterly vital that keeps us going. Something utterly important, may be, to your family if not you. Something that makes you gulp the frustration down the throat after a bad day.

So, I would say, while you let the hatred for this job drive you to find your passion, be happy and grateful for at least the time you're around. Value that 'something' and let it be the force behind being tad grateful for this tiny winy job. Thank the pricks in your team for taking your patience to an entire new level. Thank the not-so-likeminded people that made you realize how you are round pegs in square holes. Also, be grateful for the gentler ones who made you believe, no matter how bad, professional the world is, a warm human connection surpasses everything. 

Now while you pin point your different colleagues for each of the scenarios, I'd say, take some time out today, grab a cup of coffee, sit at the happiest corner of your house and prepare a 'Grateful for' list. Because as they say, be thankful, it is when grace follows.