The World That Was Mine.

I sat in my room, admiring the fairy lights out of my window sipping onto some tea. Tea and pre-winters. My room's window that showed me how beautifully well-lit are the houses outside. My window, that fills my room with the sweet November winter air. The air that carries festivity in it, wherever it subtly flows. This is the best possible weather, cool, moist, breezy.

This makes me so, so, so incredibly homesick.

I've lived away from home for sometime and yet, winters have the power to make me want to leave everything behind for even a single day back to where I grew up.

November set in a week back, bringing with it the familiar, brutal colours of nostalgia. How these approaching winters make my heart ache, my soul yearn for the home that was. All I embrace now are memories of memories, repainted repeatedly till everything is tinged with a vintage shade.

There is something in the air that's making me melancholy. I miss home, being younger, being less responsible, that illusionary safety. I miss the late afternoons, early winter evenings back at home. I miss the wintry smell of grass and earth; this time of the year smells like nothing else. I'd jump around in my verandah, my terrace, waiting for the sun to set, for weather to get chiller yet happier. For the street lights to fight and manage to twinkle through the thick blanket of fog. I would wait for the folks to wake up from their siesta, for the little family tea-time that I looked forward to almost the whole day. Warming our hands around the hot tea-mugs we'd discuss about our days. Kids running around the house, making it livelier kicking away even the bout of gloominess that winter might bring in.

Nights would be cold and snuggly, falling asleep under the heaps of blankets, in the perfectly decked bed that Mom would set. Tucked in, next to the bed side bookshelf, I was safe, smaller and more innocent. That was my world. With fog painting the entire little town hazy, I, in my warm bed, listened to the quiet little part of the world that was ours, yet drawn to the outside sounds, imagining how being far away from here would seem like. To be in the world that wasn't ours.

I'm not sure what I miss more - the memories of my time in the past, the house or being younger.

Another puff of air.

Another sound of crackers.

Another kick of nostalgia.

I think about how life changes, how this November is different from the last one. The same city feels more like home this time around.

But nothing like the world that was mine.

*Excerpts of this post have been inspired from a friend I follow on Instagram. :)

The Pink Glow

Back home, my folks always used to look forward to a video recording of the speeches that I give at Toastmasters. And further, that 6 minutes clip used to fetch me their feedback. But what I always wonder is, does that video clip capture the energy, the audience, the presence, the environment of the room? Does that clip ooze the happiness I get when my audience hums, smiles and sways just at the places I expected them to? I am not sure.

This speech, I took the third step towards being a 'Competent Communicator' as per Toastmasters International, along with, my family witnessing me speaking. It must've been a tiny part of the entire trip to have them visit the office campus, be with me as I took my 3rd speech; but there was something more special that added beauty to all of that. At Toastmasters, praises usually are showered like flowers at you. But I couldn't help contain my happiness when I had a couple of people coming up to me and telling me about the best moment of the evening. The moment when they caught my Mom smiling, beaming with pride, applauding along with the audience as I finished my speech. Her eyes spoke volumes. Aren't there some moments in life, when you feel just right? Aren't these the moments we live for? The tiny, bubbly moments that give you the pink glow when ever you fondly look back at them.

Anyway, here's a copy of what I spoke!

"When I was a little girl, I was always fascinated by the small, fancy pictures of the journalists published in the newspapers. Print media was like a distant dreamy bubble for me. It was when I was in class 7^th, I got to taste this happiness. I took the newspaper copy in my hand with my first ever article published and I jumped with joy. It was just a small piece of writing in one of the newspapers. But back then, it mattered to me so so much. The kick I got, seeing a tiny picture of mine along with my name in print, inspired me to write more. Send more. And get published more often.

Fellow Toastmasters and dear guests.

Good Evening.

Have you ever taken up a hobby or an interest for the sheer benefit of satisfying your curiosity? Just for the kick it gives you? It’s like when we venture into a new hobby or anything new, it’s a human nature to doubt every action, every step of ours. Doubting its relevance to our future. But some small steps. One step at a time.

Jumping to year 2012. When I had just graduated from college and was jobless for a while before joining Infosys; rather than throwing the customary curses at life, Infosys, my career, my college and else, I had to figure out what to do with the newly found free time. Following the formal procedure of applying to one of the newspaper publication, I stood in front of an intense interviewer in a studio room. The room oozed of fame and power; wealth and opulence; journalism and print media. I felt ill at ease. I was used to college corridors, classrooms with graffiti on walls and a place of free spirits, where you could escape questions. But on the contrary, I couldn’t just skip answering here. To add to my dis-comfort, the interviewer asked, “Have you ever written anything?” Now, this was the first ever interview in such a domain. To add to this, I had no formal degree to save me. Weighing my chances, I mentioned a few things. My blog that I had been maintaining for quite some time and of course those articles from my childhood that had got published and were now pasted in a kiddish manner in one of my scrap books.

He kept flipping pages, my heartbeat kept on gaining momentum. While he kept on reading the articles, I tried hard to hold onto the pillar of hope. Holding onto it, doubting myself. Doubting myself, losing almost all the hope I had walked in with.

Suddenly, there was turn of events, he smiled. He nodded.. And he uttered, “You’ve already done a good job.” He seemed impressed. I sighed!!!!!!

Unexpectedly, those kiddish articles had become my dark knight that day. My savior. One of the reasons behind my bagging this job. The job as a journalist. The job that gave me so many chances to get the fancy pictures that journalists have with their articles published in the newspaper. The bliss was back again. The happiness and joy of seeing my name in print.

Now, how did all of this happen? Of course, connecting the dots backward, I could place how the path was like. Our lives are like walls. You cannot randomly wake up one day and say, I’m going to build the most beautiful wall that has ever been build. It can only happen with one brick being put most perfectly at a time. Brick by brick. One step at a time. Sooner than you can imagine, you will have your brightest and the most beautiful wall with you.

Did you know, Steve Jobs had taken up a calligraphy class out of sheer interest; spending his time learning about varying amount of spaces in various types of fonts. Now, none of this had even a hope of any practical application in his life, back then, while he was in college. But ten years later, when the first Mac was designed, it was the first computer with beautiful typography. If he had never dropped in on this calligraphy class, then personal computers might not have the wonderful typography that they do today.

Of course, it was that “one” brick that fell into place while looking at the wall of his life. It’s always one step at a time that you take. You maybe unsure but down the line things fall into place almost like you might have never imagined.

You will want to stop. Don’t.

It took Messi 17 years and 114 days to become overnight success.

One step at a time to becoming an overnight success.

So while I was writing my speech, I had asked the same question to a couple of my friends about something they would want to accomplish. I got series of answers ranging from ‘Learn how to play a guitar’ to ‘I’m an engineer but I want to learn psychology’. These answers varied from person to person.

Maybe writing that code or say, joining toastmasters isn’t making sense to you right now but you have to trust in something- your gut, your interests, your destiny. Anything. Anything. But just take one step at a time. "

Bittersweet Goodbyes.

I had been anticipating this for a long time. I had pictured how rosy it'll all be like. More than being rosy, I'd say liberating. But the moment he said, "Tuesday would be the last!", my heart skipped a beat.


With countable number of days left in my current project, it's time for the bittersweet goodbyes. My desk, my cubicle, my drawer, my white board, some of the many things that have a part of me in them. I sit back, look at them in the awe thinking of all those ugly Mondays when I hated coming to them and all those happy Fridays when I merrily bid them goodbye until the following week.


I look at the beautiful landscape to my right separated from me by a vast glass of the building, I look at the coffee mugs at my desk, I look at the conference room door that I always have faced sitting on my chair, I look around. The few things that I so badly wanted to get rid of, now when the time creeps closer, these lifeless things seem to be full of emotions. Personified humans speaking volumes to me. Telling me tales of past. In hindsight, don't we ignore the blue days and reminisce about the brighter ones? Oh, sweet life!


For now, let's skip mentioning the people who are/were/have been the part of this scene. Because I guess, people are ephemeral, they kept moving on as I stayed here for almost 2 years now.


What made me stick to it? What makes me move on? What makes me feel this tinge of sadness when this is what I wanted, all the while?


I'm losing a job. For I've found a career. :)

Unplug, Unwind and Energize.

Yesterday evening was special. It was a Wednesday, I went to the weekly Toastmaster's meeting and gave my Project 2 of Competent Communicator manual. Though I messed up a bit and wasn't satisfied by myself but as a friend said, 'You're too hard on yourself!' So, I'm going to cut myself some slack and bask in the glory of giving a considerably good speech, getting the 'Best Speaker Award' for the evening and receiving all the love being bestowed on me for a while. Here's the draft of what I spoke:

"I’m on my way back from office. It’s 11PM in the evening. No, I don’t work in afternoon shift. My day very well began at 8:30 in the morning. In spite of all these efforts, my manager still feels that I’m not putting in sufficient amount of effort. To top it all, it’s a Saturday, I’m stuck in Hinjewadi traffic and I’m terribly hungry. My Mom calls. I’m reminded of home. And of course, the home cooked food. She said: I’m going for a meditation vacation to Rishikesh. And I want you to come along.

Amongst all that hustle bustle, meditation would be the last thing I’d excitedly say a yes to. But out of what she said, only one word made sense. Vacation…..and I so needed one!

A very good evening fellow Toastmasters and dear guests.

So, in the month of July, I went for this vacation to Rishikesh. I don’t know what my friends expect of me but they had blatantly assumed that it would be for some wild river rafting or a camping trip. What happened just after I mentioned that I was going for a meditation retreat to Rishikesh, gave me….my P2 speech. :P

Some of the reactions that I faced were:

“Whaaaaattt?? Have you really gone down the way of meditation?”

“You? You of all the people would keep your mouth shut and meditate?”

There was another friend who even told me, “You know what, meditation is only for hippies and freaks. It’s sheer nonsense.”

But post the vacation, I’m glad, I could go there. Not because I got to click posy pictures with Ganga, the holy Ganga flowing in the background and boast about it on Facebook. I mean, yeah, that’s one part of it. What else are vacations for?

But apart from all of that, I did what I went there to do. To unplug, unwind and energize. Of course, there wasn’t any magic potion that helped me do all of it in 5 days. But an entire structured process to help me come out of Monday morning hangover, with all due respect, to help me tackle my manager, in a much calmer way though. All in all, it helped me wash away my office diaries. 

No surprises. Our work lives are stressful. Eight in 10 of us are stressed at work. A moment of silence for those unsung heroes of our generation who do not wait for Friday-s. It’s so so easy to be consumed by the details of our lives, to be impressed with the technology of our own society, to get lost in the business and busyness of our ways.. But it’s like, when we move so fast, we miss so much.

And apart from all those trivial things, I had another specific reason. I had recently lost a loved one. And the pain was extremely excruciating. The moments of remembering and missing them felt as if I was diving through a black hole of no return. And I was time and again reminded of it when I was at the retreat, cut off from social media and just being with myself. But the first step of stepping out of that darkness began with reclaiming those few moments of silent inner connection every day. It was all about reminding myself to let go of the things I cannot control. Those few minutes to find peace within. 

I’d always thought I was too hyper to meditate. Of course, calm is not a state that we usually experience every day. But what I learnt was, mind is like a muscle. It responds to consistent practice. During those five days, I used to..err I was made to sit in a guided meditation practice for between 10 to 15 minutes, two times a day. As directed, the goal wasn’t to control my thoughts. It was in fact to stop letting them control me.

And, it wasn’t like I went there and in the first round of meditation felt, “Eureka! I’ve figured life out?!” But slowly and gradually, what I felt was, meditation is about emptying yourself. Paradoxically, meditation is not about gaining. It’s about losing. Losing much of all you’ve been holding onto. And at any rate, it’s liberating.

If you think, just like I did, that you can’t do it because your mind is too busy or you don’t have time for this, welcome to the human condition. No one really cares if you have 17 children and five jobs. Everyone’s mind is out of control. It if weren’t, no one would ever need meditation. And I’m sure you have five minutes to confront that voice in your head.. 

Just sit. Focus on your breath, and when your brain loses focus, you start over, and over and over. And I believe, if as little as five to 10 minutes of your day can change your life, start today! 

Of course, this all was rosy enough when I was learning this art in a posh hotel with Ganga flowing by the side and it was a vacation. I don’t expect you to go home, lock up yourself in a room and start to meditate but yes, if you relate to even a bit of what I said, I’m sure you can try and sit and just be with yourself for 5 minutes of your day.

Join me! Unplug, unwind and energize."

Junie.

"Your twenties are your 'selfish' years. It is a decade to immerse your self in every single thing possible. Be selfish with your time, and all the aspects of you. Tinker with shit, travel, explore, love a lot, love a little, and never touch the ground." - Kyoko Escamilia.

With the most special month making its presence felt, I'm all glee. My sister started uploading daily posts on Instagram, dedicated to each day of this month. Every post featured the most important people of my life and my special bonding with them. It is sweet how you get showered with an extra serving of love simply because it's June. The other day I got back from office at around 11 in the night and my friend consoled me saying, 'I feel like killing your manager. How can he make you stay in the office. It's June. Duh!' A fair enough reason to give me a big big smile. Who wouldn't feel great with all that paparazzi? I'm lucky.

Though this is an every year affair, what makes it all the more special this time is, I turn 25. Woah woah! What a huge number. There is something quirky about this age. I realize as I creep closer to the day. If I look back, none of the current thoughts were on my mind last birthday. As I approach the dreaded mid twenties, so many forces around me have made me feel that it's the high time I've remained happily unmarried. Just when I give in to that thought, the free spirited Gemini in me would revolt. Revolt like a warrior. And I end up being the poor soul swinging between the two.

Talking of this swinging poor soul who's also aging and getting old, let me not mention those moments when heavyhearted pricking of the new grey strands of hair happens. Old age, alas!

Okay, enough sadness! I'd say there's a brighter side too. From being sure about the shape of pasta to the right amount of sugar in my cappuccino. From being even more specific about the fragrances I won't ever wear to the kind of bullshit I won't let myself to get affected by. I could go on with a list of such from-to combinations but isn't it enough knowledge to have gained in the span of 25 years?! Sanity, I remind myself. So, I'd say with age, I've become surer of my choices, my people, my
decisions. I'm now a firm believer that this is what life is all about -- figuring it out. Adapting. Changing. Discovering. Dreaming. Trying. Failing. Trying again.

So this year, besides dealing with my quarter life crises that includes the serious stuff like finances, relationships and career, I'd make sure to focus and spend my energies in discovering the places in the world where I'll be honoured and loved for who I am. I'll find them. Create them.

Love and light!

Under a starry moonlit sky..

Toastmasters, probably one of those things that keeps me sane at work. I took my first baby step by taking P1 out of my Competent Communication manual. It was about me, what my life has been till now. Here's what got a me a standing ovation:

"Thank you Toastmaster.

Good evening fellow toastmasters and dear guests. I am Aman, something I am not too fond of being addressed as. Because I come from a place where if you call out that name, there would be 5 heads turning around, both, boys and girls. 

I’m from a city called Patiala in Punjab. And those who’ve had Patiala pegs or worn Patiala salwars, would be able to place it. Punjab for me has always been synonymous with rich, good food and yes, I’m a foodie of the highest order. Guess, that comes from the family. My Massi (My mom’s sister) was pursuing her masters in food and nutrition while I was growing up. And most of the times, I became the guinea pig for most of her food experiments. 

Talking of my family, I’m former of the two girls born to the lady who has influenced me the most in my life. My mother. She had me when she was 21 years old, and my parents got separated when I was 7 and my sister was 4. So, I never really knew my dad like you’re supposed to know your father.

Like a lot of single moms, my mother had to struggle to work and eventually battle to work. I believe she’s really the person who instilled in me the sense of confidence and a belief that I could do anything. It took her almost ten years to get life back on track for us and of course, herself. And we watched her grind through it. And as I got older, like everyone else, I learnt from her that she wasn’t all different than me. Like me, she had her own doubts. Like me, she wasn’t always sure of the right way of doing things. And, to see her overcome tough times was very inspiring. Because that meant, I could overcome tough times too.

I still remember the time when Infosys had delayed out joining. I had just graduated and had no idea what to do with my life. I went crazy. Totally bonkers. Till the time there came an assuring voice from my Mom, ‘Go, and gather experiences!’ When I looked up to her- I knew what to do. Having completed her masters in Psychology and English, my Mom now heads the Maths Department at a school. She imbibed in me a very simple leaning that is adding dimensions to your career should be the way of life. Before I knew, I saw the best phase of my career for those 8 months. Being a citizen journalist at Times of India fulfilled my die hard dream of being a journo. And being a verbal mentor at Career Launcher made my love for language grow fonder. I was juggling between two jobs and was probably the happiest. The happiest to discover and dig into my passion. The passion to write. The passion for print media. I’ve realized, no matter how much I grow up, I still jump with joy every time I see my name in print. Probably that I why I love Toastmaster’s. It fulfills every bit of my passion.

I believe, our choices, the things we do, the things we like are all interlinked. I started writing for the sheer feeling that I used to get from reading. Thanks to the childhood habit of going to the bed, reading. With Enid Blyton giving me Noddy and toy town to make my childhood all the more colourful. JK Rowling cast some spell and Hermoine awed me all through my teenage. Later came along, Dan Brown and Khaled Hoseeini. All the while, keeping a track of me and my stories was a blog that I nurtured. I nurtured it like a baby. Still do!

Little things like these shape who you are. They really shaped me, honed my passion and drove me. And of course, gave me this wonderful opportunity to be speaking in front of you.

That’s pretty much my life story. I hope to create more of such wonderful memories and stories along my way. Because in the end, it all comes down to having a lovely life story that we tell our children under the moonlit starry sky."

Grateful.

World's favourite story-teller @Crossword

 Me: "You know what? Jeffrey Archer is in the town today!"

N: "Wow. I'm jealous. Going then?"

Me: "No, got loaded with work. Stuck in the traffic now."

N: "You're good for nothing."

This conversation at the end of a Monday like Tuesday makes me want to scream at myself and everyone around. Just how I want to when the wi-fi stops working in the middle of a long awaited Skype session. Just how I wanted to when my Team Lead demanded (at 5:30pm) for a shitty excel to be updated by EOD. I could go on with so many just-hows which most of us would resonate with. Hello, corporate biggies! 

I might not be a veteran but I have been a part of corporate culture for quite some time now. Long enough to be a wearer to know where exactly the shoe pinches. Mondays, team meetings, manager, status calls, client escalation. Some of the keywords that touch a raw nerve by their mere existence. In spite of all that, what is it that keeps a corporate tag hanging around the neck? Is it merely a 'Salary Credited' text that we await for the entire month or some appreciation e-mail from our manager? Or maybe a promotion? The answer is subjective. 

No matter how much we crib over our evening coffee breaks, we still would come to work next morning. Because there is something utterly vital that keeps us going. Something utterly important, may be, to your family if not you. Something that makes you gulp the frustration down the throat after a bad day.

So, I would say, while you let the hatred for this job drive you to find your passion, be happy and grateful for at least the time you're around. Value that 'something' and let it be the force behind being tad grateful for this tiny winy job. Thank the pricks in your team for taking your patience to an entire new level. Thank the not-so-likeminded people that made you realize how you are round pegs in square holes. Also, be grateful for the gentler ones who made you believe, no matter how bad, professional the world is, a warm human connection surpasses everything. 

Now while you pin point your different colleagues for each of the scenarios, I'd say, take some time out today, grab a cup of coffee, sit at the happiest corner of your house and prepare a 'Grateful for' list. Because as they say, be thankful, it is when grace follows. 

Losing Him.

Okay, so it has probably been the 9th time I'm opening this, typing a sentence, deleting it and logging out of Blogger. But today morning began with a promotional e-mail from Amazon with a subject, 'Today, do what you love!' and while I read through it, it was about ordering some books and nurture the love for reading. Though, I already have done my part for placing an order for some books, expected to arrive today, so I knew, I had to write something. And promised myself to not log out till I pen down a few words.

Year 2015, you haven't been that great. I lost a loved one. A loved one so close to heart that I have lost a part of me with him. So much so that, it seemed impossible to breathe even for a day on the face of Earth without him. But it was shocking at first and brutal a while later to see that the world continued. Continued in all its glory. Sun rose, flowers bloomed, stars continued to twinkle, people went to work, days passed on. And we seemed to breathe along too.

How could it happen? I questioned myself this. I questioned when I would wake up in the middle of the night, fighting nightmares and praying, I could go back to sleep. I questioned when I would look at his picture kept in my wallet, take a pause, talk to myself and shed some tears. I questioned when I stumbled upon healthy pictures of him, sparkling in the pink of his health, adding to the glory. I questioned when I had a doubt and the first thing that my mind exulted, "I'll ask him" but no sooner, the second thought cheeped in. I questioned when I looked at the date today and realized that it has been almost a month without him.

Whoever said that loss gets easier with time was a liar. Here's what really happens: The spaces between the times you miss them grow longer. Then, when you do remember to miss them again, it's still with a stabbing pain to the heart. And you have guilt. Guilt because it's been too long since you missed them last.

Nevertheless, he will forever be around. Standing silently, guiding us, doing his part as he as always done.

Forevermore!

Hello 2015. While people posted their life-changing posts during the New Year's eve, I was home and thanked the power of Universe, the power up there, for some things that didn't change. For good. For better and the best.

1. As I flew from a warm 26 degrees to bone crackling 6 degrees, it wasn't surprising to find my dog not even moving an inch to show how happy he was to see me. Or may be he wasn't. Well, that's not a question. What was fun to see, he snuggled under a series of blankets sleeping just as lazily as I had bid goodbye to him on my last home visit. He would always remain the youngest sibling amongst us. And younger ones don't grow up. Ever.

2. This vacation, first winter morning at home began with the vegetable seller shouting loudly in the wee hours of the day trying to sell 'Sarso da saag'. Instead of getting irritated, my lips curled into a smile. You don't mind sounds breaking your deep slumber if they end up giving you a ride of nostalgia down the childhood memory lane.

3. Diving into the numerous winter foods was an overall highlight of the vacation. Because when in Punjab with winter acting as the cherry on the cake, you just eat, sleep and repeat. Had I adhered to my resolutions for 2014, how would I have savored the mouth watering dishes that Mommy darling invested time in cooking. Some habits indeed die hard.

4. I have a weird fascination with the whistle train makes. Staying in Pune, all you get to hear in those few moments before falling asleep is the airplanes taking off the runway. But how can it replace the fondness for my very own sound of a chugging engine. So, it was sweet no matter how many miles I may have travelled and back, the train's whistle creating a melody brightened my day. I would never grow up. Age is, of course, just a number.

Flying away from the chic way of celebration, I was home for the New Year's. And began it in the most simple and warm way, being surrounded by loved ones, full of gratitude and feeling blessed. With old age weighing my grandparents down, I was grateful to God for granting them enough strength to fight it back. No matter how, they made it this far. A fair enough reason to begin the new year in an excited manner. Hope this year turns more moments into memories, gives more chances of after-success celebrations and more than anything, fills the air brimming with warm human connection.