The other side of me.

A feel-good comment on my facebook profile picture just triggered the little girl in me to write this blogpost. With two thousand and eleven coming to an end, celebration and euphoria is in the air. But I happen to be at the opposite end of see-saw of this swing. My four years long association with the Alma mater, my graduation college just came to an end and the feeling has still not sunk in. And with six months long internship lying in front of me, the surprising world yet to be explored, frankly, I'm all nerves. Does that mean I'm not so adaptable to change? Well, let my future introspection session decide that.

Introspection! As I'm getting way too much free time as of now, introspection is quite frequent. Mostly the few moments of solitude that I usually experience before just falling asleep. Or when I wake up in the middle of the night with my eyes hovering around, my brain numb, I tend to sink inwards and think about numerous random things. This always yields a few surprises for me because it is simply mind boggling to see what all incidents and flashbacks from my life have occupied a part of my subconscious. Being a Gemini, true to the core, I have multiple personalities. Two striking personalities swap way too soon, sometimes putting me in confusion too. My alter ego is what always masks my original self and has always been taking almost everyone for a ride. Not intentionally but naturally.

Going back to the starting of the blog while keeping in mind what I just mentioned, my personality i.e. my alter ego, what everyone witnesses usually is full of life (that was the comment on my facebook profile picture), outgoing and what not. But the natural self which comes out rarely and in front of rare people is a silly little scared girl who is always thinking way too much and searching for her cocoon almost everywhere and in almost every situation. Yes, it IS confusing for me too. When things don't go according to me, general tendency of my alter ego is to exude the different and a wide array of cusses that I've recently learnt and registered in my mind. But my original self shrinks, inside, way too much to an unmentionable size and alienate almost from everyone, simply to not let anyone reach there. And what needs to escape me from there is a simple heart-to-heart talk with someone or something exciting to provide me with a whiff of fresh air and escape me from that shell I make for myself, way too soon.

With so many people around me to love me, I still withdraw and cut-off myself way too soon. Though it doesn't yield any solution but I guess, I feel secure in my own tiny shell. I sulk, I think, I introspect, form notions in this tiny space of mine. But all this goes according to what I want. And that's what keeps me satisfied and happy in this shell. The privacy of my mind. But long twenty one years and I still haven't been able to kick that side of me and let my alter ego overlap my original self. Difficult.

Not-so-good.

Ah! It's December already. The year end. As I write this, 'year end', I have a satisfied smile on my face as 2011 will finally be over and 2012 will bring new hopes, new wishes and a fresh euphoria to deal with it all. Looking back, 2011 hasn't been a very fair year, specially the later half of the year. Courtesy the new health problem on family front. Hospitals and doctors were the two things that decided our smiles, our sigh-of-relief-s and definitely shadowed most of the part of our daily prayers. Sad but true. Keeping up with all these tiny-winy problems, I saw the strong family bond emerging from in between that was always and every time there but somehow went unnoticed. And again as the cliche fact goes that it is indeed the most difficult and painful thing to see your loved ones in pain. It was a heavy and painful year for indeed each member of the family with still no respite from it.

Medicines, injections, needles, prescriptions, test reports, cotton swabs filled with spirit made my house more of a hospital. It was horrifying to witness it. The way the particular nerve is searched, applied spirit on and then a needle piercing that nerve filling the whole body with some strong antibiotic that we all had plunged our hopes on, that THIS may finally work. That completely shook me as I was sitting besides my Massi who was the brave soul going through all this.

The unbearable pain. The wailing noises. The thousands of tears. The millions of prayers. This is what my family went through in the past few months. All this was so much intensified that we all almost forgot all the good things that happened in each one of our lives. The good things that we remember are how many times doctors said, 'operation was successful', 'she's doing better now', 'this new medicine seems to work' or 'she will be discharged in a few days'. Phew. The definition of 'good' changes with time. I wonder how. And I wonder why.

And the problem is still not over. I just hope and pray that everything falls back into place by mid-December and we all bid a happy goodbye to the heavy year 2011.

I guess this has been the most bare post in recent times with my fingers pressing the exact keys as my heart telling them to and not the brain for a change. And I'm liking it. Wish I have some pretty angels near me sitting and reading this post and thinking of blessing my family a little. How I wish.